Several months ago I wrote about my good friend, Becky Sehenuk and her experience of losing a twin sister (Jenny) in a motorcycle accident. You can read the original post ”Losing Jenny” here. For many reasons, this was difficult to write. Doing so made me realize I was largely helpless to help her. Despite every desire to somehow remove this painful experience from my friend, I had no capacity to do so. It was like watching someone you care about drown for months at a time. Despite the difficulty, I’m glad I wrote about it. It helped me understand my feelings. It helped me partially understand Becky’s feelings. After I posted the article several people commented on my blog or contacted me directly. My personal perspectives seem to have resonated with others who also felt helpless. I want to say thanks to those who openly shared their feelings. It’s obvious that Becky is loved and Jenny is missed dearly.
Shortly after her sister’s passing, I spoke with Becky about her loss. We decided to do something constructive. We wanted to honor Jenny and the huge impact she had on Becky and so many other people. We also wanted to share a little more of “Jenny” with the world and the countless friends she left behind. Initially, I was a little worried that it was too soon for Becky to commit to something so personal and painful. Becky was still in shock. I could see it in her face and hear it in her voice. Becky assured me that she wanted to move forward. She said waiting would bring a risk of losing her present perspective. Her courage was humbling.
We decided to start by capturing Becky’s thoughts and feelings. One evening we sat down with an audio recorder and began a very difficult conversation. We talked about Becky’s thoughts on becoming a “twinless twin” and life immediately following her sister’s passing. We talked about her profound pain and loss. We talked about faith and hope, favorite memories and family. We talked for a long time. It was a raw conversation – the kind that comes from the heart.
We agreed that visually capturing aspects of Becky’s life would also be beneficial. For several months I photographed Becky at her home, work, church and many places in between. We talked about “the project” often. Sometimes, however, weeks would go by and we would hardly mention it. That’s not to say we weren’t thinking about it, it’s just that emotional intensity is a hard thing to live with full time. Each time I called Becky to make arrangements to shoot more images, I knew my call was a painful reminder of her deepest loss. It was always difficult for me to call and ask, but even more difficult for Becky. Unselfishly, she always made accommodations for my requests. She was committed to honoring Jenny.
After many months and countless conversations, we combined segments of our recorded conversation with photographs taken along the way. I struggle with providing a definition for what we ultimately produced. I guess you could say it’s a presentation, but it’s so much more than that. It’s a tribute to Jenny and the relationship she shared with Becky. It’s deeply personal. It’s honest and revealing. It is, one woman’s candid and vulnerable expression of loss.
If you have lost someone you love, especially a twin, you are not alone. We hope this message speaks to you. By openly sharing Becky’s personal experience, we hope you feel a sense of connection and are comforted by it.
As a final thought, it would have been much easier for Becky to postpone this endeavor. It would have been easier to hide – to simply pretend she was in a dream that would eventually end. It has been a year (to the day) since Jenny’s passing and I’ve never once seen my friend hide. In the face of pain, fear and loss she remains heart-wounded, but outwardly brave. – charles mcpadden
Special thanks to Lori Davis and Glen Garcia. Music composed by Lauren Habib and Peter Habib.
–> Please scroll to the bottom of the comments and leave a message of support or share a favorite memory of Jenny!
This was a wonderful and unique gift for you to do this for your friend Becky. It was simultaneously heartbreaking and beautiful. I knew Jenny for a very short while…a blink in comparison to many, but in that blink, I knew I met someone that had that ‘something’ extra special about her. I know a few people that were close to her and the impact of her loss is great. I don’t know Becky, but have often found myself wondering how her family is coping, especially her twin sister Becky and now I see…she’s coping as only each of us can when tragedy stikes. Becky – please know your sister won’t be forgotten…I think of her often and those that live with her loss every day. If I think of her with only my ‘blink’…rest asurred that those that knew and loved her for moments, days, years and her lifetime will never ever forget her. God Bless you and your family sweet girl…and God Bless you Charles for being a good friend.
Hi Margot. I can’t thank you enough for sharing your comments. Your words are very touching. Jenny was a wonderful person who cared deeply for people. Becky is the same way. In fact, I think Becky and Jenny share many great qualities. Becky is a very talented and wonderful friend. Working with her on this project was an honor I will always cherish. I’m humbled to be a small part of honoring Jennifer Sehenuk. The wonderful comments left here by friends like you mean so much to Becky and her family. God bless you for being a friend!
Jen….you we’re an amazing friend…always looked out for me…always reminding me and always telling me you loved me…
Words cannot express how I feel since you left earth…..I do know one thing…I do see glimpses of your face and you’re smiling……
I love you my Jen…..
HI MJ, thanks for sharing a memory of Jenny. Blessings to you!
SHE WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN……..LOVE YOU
Monica – You couldn’t be more correct! Thanks for your sharing your thoughts.
Charles, I do not really know you and Becky but through this beautiful bittersweet peice I feel I got a small peek into your worlds. I love that our God can take our brokenness and use it for His Glory. I thought of this quote by Henri Nouwen as I watching this amazingly honest pieces:
Where Mourning and Dancing Touch Each Other
“There is a time for mourning, a time for dancing” (Ecclesiastes 3:4). But mourning and dancing are never fully separated. Their “times” do not necessarily follow each other. In fact, their “times” may become one “time.” Mourning may turn into dancing and dancing into mourning without showing a clear point where one ends and the other starts.
Often our grief allows us to choreograph our dance while our dance creates the space for our grief. We lose a beloved friend, and in the midst of our tears we discover an unknown joy. We celebrate a success, and in the midst of the party we feel deep sadness. Mourning and dancing, grief and laughter, sadness and gladness – they belong together as the sad-faced clown and the happy-faced clown, who make us both cry and laugh. Let’s trust that the beauty of our lives becomes visible where mourning and dancing touch each other.
-Henri Nouwen
Hi Sib! Wow, I’ve read your comment three times and I’m still blown away by it. Thank you for sharing that. It is my hope that through this, Becky can find unknown (unexpected) joy. Perhaps, some level of joy will come from knowing she has reached so many people and that so many people thought so highly of Jenny. Becky is such a caring person. In the midst of her pain, I know that she finds some satisfaction in knowing that God is using this experience to serve so many other people. Thanks again, Sib.
Intellectually, I know that dealing with personal loss is a natural part of “life”. However, I never considered the profound impact the loss of a twin sibling could have on the survivor until I experienced Becky’s account as told through her monologue and Charles’ powerful images. What a beautiful tribute to Jenny! May God continue to heal your pain.
Bob, thanks for your open thoughts. I was in the same boat as you. I never considered the implications either. Through this experience, I have come to know that organizations such as http://www.twinlesstwins.org exist because of this very issue. I’m thankful for this organization and the services they provide for those like my friend Becky. God bless!
What a beautiful tribute to the love shared between Becky and Jenny. As a twinless twin myself I could relate to everything Becky said. That was (and still is) my greatest fear “that she will be forgotten”. Their lives did matter! When I see the accompanying pictures I can sense that feeling of Becky being alone and yet the presence of her twin is there. I love the last line “In the face of pain, fear and loss she remains heart-wounded, but outwardly brave.” How brave of Becky to share this journey with us (Jenny would be proud of you).
Hi Jennifer, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I’m sorry for your loss. Having a fear that your twin will be forgotten seems to be a common feeling among twinless twins. My hope is that this tribute to Jenny will help others learn about her or, for those that knew her, reconnect with their memories of Jenny. Again, thank you for your kind words of encouragement.
I was so moved by this tribute to Jenny. Through this she will stay alive for ever in the memories of all who watch your evocative film. I lost my twin too and watching and listening to Becky made me feel not so alone. I am from the UK- but twin loss is universal.
Hi Janet, thank you for your comments. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve learned a lot about twin loss through my friendship with Becky. I know how deep the loss can cut our hearts. I’m glad this tribute to Jenny helped you in some small way. Blessings to you!
It’s not fair.