Several months ago I wrote about my good friend, Becky Sehenuk and her experience of losing a twin sister (Jenny) in a motorcycle accident. You can read the original post ”Losing Jenny” here. For many reasons, this was difficult to write. Doing so made me realize I was largely helpless to help her. Despite every desire to somehow remove this painful experience from my friend, I had no capacity to do so. It was like watching someone you care about drown for months at a time. Despite the difficulty, I’m glad I wrote about it. It helped me understand my feelings. It helped me partially understand Becky’s feelings. After I posted the article several people commented on my blog or contacted me directly. My personal perspectives seem to have resonated with others who also felt helpless. I want to say thanks to those who openly shared their feelings. It’s obvious that Becky is loved and Jenny is missed dearly.
Shortly after her sister’s passing, I spoke with Becky about her loss. We decided to do something constructive. We wanted to honor Jenny and the huge impact she had on Becky and so many other people. We also wanted to share a little more of “Jenny” with the world and the countless friends she left behind. Initially, I was a little worried that it was too soon for Becky to commit to something so personal and painful. Becky was still in shock. I could see it in her face and hear it in her voice. Becky assured me that she wanted to move forward. She said waiting would bring a risk of losing her present perspective. Her courage was humbling.
We decided to start by capturing Becky’s thoughts and feelings. One evening we sat down with an audio recorder and began a very difficult conversation. We talked about Becky’s thoughts on becoming a “twinless twin” and life immediately following her sister’s passing. We talked about her profound pain and loss. We talked about faith and hope, favorite memories and family. We talked for a long time. It was a raw conversation – the kind that comes from the heart.
We agreed that visually capturing aspects of Becky’s life would also be beneficial. For several months I photographed Becky at her home, work, church and many places in between. We talked about “the project” often. Sometimes, however, weeks would go by and we would hardly mention it. That’s not to say we weren’t thinking about it, it’s just that emotional intensity is a hard thing to live with full time. Each time I called Becky to make arrangements to shoot more images, I knew my call was a painful reminder of her deepest loss. It was always difficult for me to call and ask, but even more difficult for Becky. Unselfishly, she always made accommodations for my requests. She was committed to honoring Jenny.
After many months and countless conversations, we combined segments of our recorded conversation with photographs taken along the way. I struggle with providing a definition for what we ultimately produced. I guess you could say it’s a presentation, but it’s so much more than that. It’s a tribute to Jenny and the relationship she shared with Becky. It’s deeply personal. It’s honest and revealing. It is, one woman’s candid and vulnerable expression of loss.
If you have lost someone you love, especially a twin, you are not alone. We hope this message speaks to you. By openly sharing Becky’s personal experience, we hope you feel a sense of connection and are comforted by it.
As a final thought, it would have been much easier for Becky to postpone this endeavor. It would have been easier to hide – to simply pretend she was in a dream that would eventually end. It has been a year (to the day) since Jenny’s passing and I’ve never once seen my friend hide. In the face of pain, fear and loss she remains heart-wounded, but outwardly brave. – charles mcpadden
Special thanks to Lori Davis and Glen Garcia. Music composed by Lauren Habib and Peter Habib.
–> Please scroll to the bottom of the comments and leave a message of support or share a favorite memory of Jenny!
Charles, thank you so much for this very moving and beautiful tribute to both Jenny and Becky. I have only known Becky since the loss of her twin and I now feel as though I know her so much better. I feel as though I understand the heaviness that she still carries. I can sense that Becky is a person who has within her great joy and fullness and love of life which has all been tempered and is cautiously being held inside. I get it now…as best as I can. What a horrible shock and a much more deeply life changing event than I could ever comprehend and yet, because of this piece, I’ve been given a glimpse into her experience and it’s given me great compassion for Becky and the other members of her family who have had to walk through such a tragic loss. There is a verse in Psalms 33 that says, “Let your unfailing love surround us Lord, for our hope is in you alone.” May His unfailing love surround you, Becky now and forevermore.
Hi Kara. Very well put. I think the way you expressed yourself is perfect. If you feel as though you now know what Becky is going through, then we have hit the mark with this piece. The relationship between twins is special. I can’t say I fully understand it, but I know it’s very deep. Losing a twin is harder than most of us can appreciate. Becky is indeed a very strong person, but her loss runs very (very) deep. Thank you for your comments. God bless you always!
What an incredible friend your are Charles to help Becky share her grief journey in such an honest, revealing way. We all need friends to walk alongside us when we are hurting. What a love story of the bond between Becky and Jenny. Being a twin, I could walk in Becky’s shoes. Bless you and thank you Becky for your open heart. Those who mourn will be comforted.There is no other way to get to the other side of pain, than to walk through it. Thank you Becky for your transparency. And thank you to your caring friend Delinda who shared this website with me. God is always good.
Hi Jane. Thank you for the things you said. Knowing that you are a twin means you can probably understand Becky’s perspective more than I can. What I do know is that Becky is a special person and a dear friend. Working on this project with her was nothing short of a blessing for me. Honestly, it was a blessing! Through it, I got to know Jenny and help my friend in her time of need. I’m thankful for Becky’s trust and friendship. God bless you Jane.
I hope I’m not intruding …I saw this in Rainey’s FB post. I say this also because my encounters with Becky are limited to what work allow us. I still remember vividly how shocked everyone (at work) was upon hearing of Jenny’s accident and how immediately many reached out to our Lord in prayer -that He would provide comfort and peace to Becky and her family. Whenever I see Becky, I often wonder how is she coping, but dare not ask, or when I compose an email to her, I’d hesitate to ask how can I pray for her, afraid that it may be still to raw. Like many, I too appreciate your tribute because you’ve exacted the words to this sentiment, “Doing so made me realize I was largely helpless to help her.” But Jesus in Matthew 5:4 provides Becky a promise, “Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted. “Truly, she is blessed (to have you as a friend) and is comforted -by God’s sovereignty and knowing Jenny is in heaven. Thank you for this glimpse into Becky’s heart, and for reminding us to continue to lift her up in prayer.
Hi Ama, your words can never be an intrusion. I think most people feel the way you do. They want to help, they want to ask, but they also want to give Becky her space. Your words here will certainly provide comfort to Becky. Thank you so much for taking the time to reach out and express yourself. I know Becky is blessed by comments like yours. God bless you.
I only knew Becky and Jenny as familiar faces as we walked the same high school campus what seems like forever ago. We have some mutual friends but for some reason or another our paths never seemed to cross. This is one of the most, if not the most heart touching videos I have been lucky enough to view. You captured the raw emotion that could be felt by anyone.
Becky, I am so very sorry for your loss. I know there is not a single word or phrase that will bring comfort to you. Yet, I pray that the Lord will bring you comfort to tackle each day.
Rashelle, thank you so much for watching this and sharing your thoughts. Becky will be so happy to see your post and will certainly be encouraged by your kind words. Blessings to you always. – charles
Thanks Steve